My Dear Kinsley

Someday I will look back on these early years with my Kinsley and laugh...hopefully. This child is special, and I mean that so deeply and for so many reasons.  Last night was a rough one for the two of us, because this happened.

I was having a pretty good day and being productive.  I was even making dinner for the second night in a row! (Its a big deal these days) While cooking some bacon she decided to have fun with some nail polish, about 5 minutes after finding the first mess she comes out covered in mustard.  I had to get Maddi fed and off to dance first, I had a tired and fussy baby.  I felt torn in a million directions.  I needed to clean quickly to save clothing, bedding, furniture, carpet...but babies don't wait and neither does the clock when kids have places to be.  A little over an hour later I had Maddi off, Camden laid down, other kids fed, and most of the mess cleaned up. I felt exhausted.  I wanted to cry and scream, but knew that neither would help.

As the evening went on and even after I went to bed, my thoughts kept turning back to this child of mine. This child has brought me to my knees in prayer and I'm grateful for that.  Prayer is something I struggle with, but she reminds me, in sometimes harsh ways, that I am extremely inadequate to be her mother alone. I have so much to learn from this girl. I feel that strongly as I pray over her calm sleeping figure each night. I worry that I am going to stifle this energy she has within her, and in the same instant I worry I am raising a child with no understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior. She has stretched me as a mother and makes me evaluate myself and my actions constantly.  I can so easily become overwhelmed with her and sometimes I feel like no one can possibly understand the struggles the two of us go through on a daily basis. The thing is, I love this little girl so much! :)

After these incidents last night, I told her that everyone who saw the picture was saying how sad it was that she made those messes and that its a naughty thing to do.  In her sad little voice she told me she didn't want to be naughty, she wanted to be a good girl.  I thought in my head, "Then just be a good girl!"  Later that night I realized how silly that statement is. How many times do I tell my Heavenly Father that I want to be better, yet still struggle? Despite my exhaustion with our constant battles I have to be there to teach her, to love her, and to help her become more, as my Heavenly Father is there for me.

So, sweet Kinsley, we are in this journey together.  We will both come out stronger. I truly can't wait to see the amazingly beautiful, strong, determined daughter of God you will become.  You have things to accomplish in this life and I have no doubt that nothing will get in your way.  Not even your imperfect mother. :)