Baring My Soul

  So, a while back, and longer than I thought, I wrote a post on inspiration.  This is near the beginning of what has been an amazing journey for me.  At times I almost feel in awe that the Lord feels me worthy to impart so much knowledge to me, but have come to realize that it truly is because I have that desire within me, more than I think I ever have.  Now, with that said, part of the process for me has been to realize how very far I am from where the Lord desires me to be, but I think, that after today at church I have put most, if not all, the pieces together of how He wants me to get there.  I know I will continue to learn, but want to continue to share my journey and have it written down.
  I wish I could say that my life changed drastically after my last post, but unfortunately it did not.  I failed to truly implement the things I had learned into my life.  Not always for a lack of trying, but I realize I still hadn't quite grasped the full concept of what I needed to do.  A few months after the last post I became pregnant and had a bit of a rough start with my pregnancy and struggled to improve on things as I was just trying to maintain any type of status quo I currently had.  But this week, it all came back.  I finally had a chance to be in Relief Society and the inspiration flowed.
  I had a thought about two weeks ago that sometimes we feel that the reason we can't or aren't reading our scriptures, praying, whatever it might be, is because of external influences.  To explain this I will tell you about my personal struggle.  Pampered Chef.  I have sold Pampered Chef for almost 4 years and really enjoy it.  (most of the times)  There are times I can begin to feel overwhelmed and it is especially during those times that I question whether my time should be spent that way.  As I was feeling the need to improve spiritually I always felt that I would have to give up Pampered Chef to be able to focus on improving myself.  I struggled with this though.  I felt it was because I wanted the recognition, wasn't willing to just stay home, and was so scared to really pray about it.  I finally did, and you know what, I didn't get an answer.  I finally started asking for guidance to find the answer, yet still felt SO conflicted and uncertain all the time about it.  I was sure that quitting Pampered Chef was the answer to my questions, yet was unable to take that step.  I feel now, although I am still working on being completely sure, that my uncertainty was because that wasn't really the answer.  I don't think Heavenly Father would have thought quitting was a bad decision, but I think He was trying to teach me that is wasn't THE answer to what I was really searching for.  I began to ask myself, "If I quit Pampered Chef would I really pray and read my scriptures?  Would I spend more time playing with my kids?  Would I keep up on household chores and meals more?"  Deep down I knew it would make no difference, because ultimately, Pampered Chef rarely interfered with those things.
  So, then today I realized my answer.  Our lesson was on being anxiously engaged.  We are busy people in general; I am a busy person.  But what am I busy doing?  I realized that I had a checklist in my head of what I should be doing in a day.  On that list was prayer, scripture study, service, cleaning, quality time with kids....the list goes on.  But that's all it really was.  A list.  I don't think my heart was still quite there.  The talk that the lesson was based off talks about the honeybees being programmed to do their part.  That was their desire, to help the hive.  How can I program myself?  By changing my heart to be one with God.  To make that my desire.  The Lord will help me find the way to do all the other things if I put Him first.  I truly believe this.  And, if it isn't meant to be done, I will be more apt to hear the spirit and be able to follow that guidance.  Now this sounds a lot like what I learned before, but it is more than just reading my scriptures and saying, "check!".  I'm changing my whole focus.  I want my life to be what the Lord wants it to be.  I need that peace.  I need to know that what I am doing is the best I can.  And I know this change is occurring, slowly, but consistently.
  We had an area authority give an analogy that I loved.  He explained that as a young boy he would go fishing with his father.  One day he wandered off a bit and got swept up in the current of the river.  He called out in fear to his father who calmly said, "just stand up".  He then realized that the water was not deep and that he, indeed, could stand up and push back against the current to gain his footing.  He then explained that in life we can feel swept up by the current.  We can feel that there is nothing we can do to stop.  But, we just need to stand up and push back against the current.  I have thought about this a lot and am ready to push back.  I'm ready to not let life just carry me along and use it all as an excuse.  I am a daughter of God.  I have divine traits and a loving Heavenly Father to help me.  I can do this.  I know I will fail at times, perhaps multiple times each day and this makes me even more grateful for the knowledge I have of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I must admit that I have some fear taking this step.  I feel that I have a certain level of expectation once I take this step and I have quite a fear of failure.  I have always in my life, steered clear of things that I felt I wouldn't succeed at.  But this is a step I must take.  I know my Father will be patient with me, and forgiving of all the times I am certain to forget and lose my way, but I hope that I can perhaps even come back to this post and remember how He has prepared me for this journey and find the strength to continue once again.  I wonder if I perhaps even felt this way when I agreed to this plan so long ago in the pre-existence.  I made the choice then and I make it now.